August 2009
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G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (12a)
Posted 7th August 2009

Take one-part James Bond, one-part Men in Black, the best action bits from Star Wars, the principles of Thunderbirds (plus the “acting” quality) and filter it through Stephen Sommers’ Edam–filled mind and what you’ll churn out is G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. You know what though? It’s a helluvalot of awesome fun. Whether it’s knowingly cheesy or a non-ironical Team America: World Police however, is still unclear...

The plot, as much as it is, is absolute gubbins. Special Ops soldiers Duke (charming meathead Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (a surprisingly unannoying Marlon Wayans) are tasked with escorting a new nano-tech warhead. Besieged during transfer by a highly-trained, technologically-advanced team of assassins (codename: Cobra) under the command of Duke’s ex The Baroness (Sienna Miller in a slinky and sexy “tighter than Olivia Newton John’s pants in Grease” all-leather cat suit, just-so completed by everyone’s favourite librarian-style glasses), they are rescued by a different team of highly-trained, technologically-advanced soldiers: the good guy G.I. Joe’s.

What then ensues is a toing and froing of the warhead weaponry as these two factions fight it out, with your typical training montage for our two recruits new to the scene. The Cobra’s are out for world domination, the Joe’s out to stop them. Only one side can ultimately prevail. Does the film’s title give away who though?

A silly film for boys full of wicked war toys, G.I. Joe is the sort of film that requires your brain to be turned off at the door. Well, except for the awesome-receptors and cheese-o-meter that is. If you’re not capable of doing this, then you’d be best advised to steer well clear. ‘Cos you is going to hate this loada big budget, dumb, blockbuster bollocks. It’s the epitome of awfully-awesome. You know what you are watching really isn’t any good, but that doesn’t stop you from lapping up every single entertaining minute of it. Its awfsome, if you will.

How great it must be to play in such a fun world? Sommers is a lucky guy, handed millions of dollars to basically make his childhood toy-playing imaginings come-to-life. So outrageous is what he displays in Joe, that even if you thought of the most overblown, ridiculous things you possibly could, you probably still wouldn’t even come close to what he exhibits here: underwater lairs, EMP guns, jet packs, inviso-flage suits, advanced nano-tech including mind control, holographic projection and the truly awesome accelerator suits.

The crazy thing is it’s a world that totally suits him and his style. Joe is easily his best film so far (not that there’s that much competition – The Mummy & its Returns / Van “gag reflex” Helsing). Again, whether that’s knowingly tongue-in-cheek or unintentionally ludicrous is uncertain. Does that even really matter? The end product is still the same: a genuinely kinetic and inventive-at-times action spectacular that turns everything up to Bayhem and beyond. Perhaps Sommers has finally found his big budget, blockbuster niche: being a parody of Michael Bay?

Think of the most swaggeringly over-the-top acting you possibly can and you probably still won’t come close to the efforts of this International cast (Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, Christopher Eccleston as McCullen, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy Duty, Joseph Gordon Levitt as Cobra Commander, Rachel Nichols as Scarlett, Byung-Hun Lee as Storm Shadow, Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker, Arnold Vosloo as Zartan, Ray Park as Snake Eyes). Think of the most absurd and cheesy lines of dire-logue you possibly can delivered in the most over-earnest style possible and you probably still won’t come close (“Would you look at that, real American heroes”, “Technically this unit doesn’t exist. We answer to no-one. And when all else fails, we don’t”). Think of the most excessive, extended action sequences you can and you probably still won’t come close to the four major set-pieces for show here. The best of which is undoubtedly the central Paris-set foot-and-car chase.

A bonkers, carnage-causing cavalcade of chaotic brilliance, the chase through the streets of Paris aided by the use of the aforementioned accelerator suits is unbridled geni-ass. It is also categorically the action sequence of the summer and not to be missed on the big screen. Sommers also manages to get the fan-favourite character of Snake Eyes spot-on. Getting this wrong would have been like effing up Optimus:  disastrous. Snake Eyes really is the shit all the way through the film, slicing and shooting up Cobra’s as if it ain’t no thing, but comes into his own during this scene. He don’t need no accelerator suit, ‘cos he got the mad skills regardless. Just wait till you see what he does to avoid all the on-rushing carnage. Awe... wait for it... some!

Of course all this childhood boyish bouyance should in no way disguise the fact that this really isn’t a “good film”. Of course it isn’t. It’s poorly scripted, woodenly acted and directed with very little style. It’s completely nonsensical, riddled with cliché and immensely idiotic. It is probably pretty much the epitome of everything serious filmmakers and reviewers hate about the hollow Hollywood money-making entertainment machine. But oh well, it wasn’t made for them. It was made for those that appreciate awfsomeness and I, for one, hope we get to see a sequel. This flawed-but-fun toy story warrants a franchise.

*** (and a half)